Mr. Bean Script - Mr. Bean is a clerk in the bulk foods section of a grocery store

Mr. Bean: Clerk In The Bulk Foods Section

by Brett M B

© 2013

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Characters

            BEAN

            SUPERVISOR

            BILLY

            CUSTOMER1

            CUSTOMER2

            CUSTOMER3

            HEALTH INSPECTOR

FADE IN:

INT: GROCERY STORE. BULK FOODS SECTION – DAY

BEAN is a store clerk who is sweeping the floor in the bulk foods area.

While sweeping around the customers (and atop their shoes, irritating them,) BEAN skims food from the bulk food bins.  Some customers notice and BEAN cheerily waves at them.

BEAN finds a bag of food a customer has left behind. BEAN cannot find the barrel from where it came so instead of throwing it away, he empties the bag into a random bulk food container. BEAN resumes sweeping.

CUSTOMER1 looks into the same food bin and notices the two foods are mixed.

CUSTOMER1

Sir, it looks like someone placed the wrong food into this food bin.

BEAN looks, feigns look of contempt for whoever did that, shows gratitude to CUSTOMER1. When CUSTOMER1's attention is elsewhere, BEAN mixes the two foods together better while leering back at CUSTOMER1.

Customer traffic subsides. BEAN takes out a gummy worm, plays with it, jiggles it in front of his face, holds it over his face and tries to grab it with his mouth but the “squirming” gummy worm eludes him, but finally catches and eats it.

BEAN surveys the bins. BEAN grabs a gummy bear which he finds much less deceptive, after enjoying it he takes a handful and puts them all in his mouth at once then has trouble eating so much gummy bears.

SUPERVISOR and BILLY, the supervisor’s son and supervisor trainee approach BEAN while inspecting the area.

SUPERVISOR

(Angrily)

BEAN! What's this? This area is a mess!

BILLY

Yeah, look at this BEAN! There's food lying all atop the bins!

BEAN cannot answer due to his mouth being full of gummy bears.

SUPERVISOR

Don’t you have anything to say to this, BEAN?

BILLY

Yeah, BEAN! What you to say?

SUPERVISOR and BILLY continue their inspection as BILLY mimics SUPERVISOR.

BEAN cannot swallow the wad of gummy bears so BEAN spits out the wad into a passing customer’s hand bag. BEAN removes some food from a bin, places some food in the same customer's hand bag ensuring some of it is in plain view.

SUPERVISOR (Cont'd)

The floor is a mess! C'mon BEAN, I need this area spotless!

BILLY

Do you hear him, BEAN?

BEAN motions to SUPERVISOR the customer has been grazing. SUPERVISOR and BILLY pursue the customer. BEAN resumes his chores.

BEAN is sweeping the floor when he sees a mouse running between the food bins. BEAN chases mouse but it outsmarts him. Every time BEAN reaches into a crevice between two bins, the mouse sticks his head out elsewhere. The chase continues like this until BEAN is overcome by fatigue.

BEAN devises a plan where he takes the bin scoops then wedges them in between the bins, cutting off all the escape routes for the mouse.

BEAN leaves one escape route open, one that’s near a spring scale hanging from the ceiling. BEAN waits but the mouse does not come out.

BEAN takes the scale and pulls it (expanding its spring) to where he can pin it below the last escape route. BEAN has trouble with this stunt and at one point he lets go of the scale, the scale spring pulls on it, the pan of the scale smacks BEAN under his chin. BEAN is in visible pain but we can now see the explosiveness of the triggered scale. BEAN tries again, this time successfully, to pin the scale under the escape exit.

BEAN takes some cheddar crackers and forms a trail from the escape exit to the scale. Impatiently, BEAN waits, hiding from the mouse. A customer wants to shop the bins. The customer removes one of the scoops and we see the mouse poke its head out. This infuriates BEAN. BEAN removes the scoop from her hand and emphasizes returning it to the crevice. The customer is about to say something but BEAN motions for her to remain quiet. Another customer is at a barrel full of applesauce about to take some but BEAN shoos the customer away. The customer leaves, leaving the lid open.

The mouse pokes its head out; it sees the crackers on the scale pan. BEAN is insidiously waiting. The mouse jumps onto the scale, the pan releases and the mouse and crackers are launched into the air. BEAN follows the flight of the mouse as it flies above him and lands into the applesauce barrel. Cheese crackers rain on BEAN.

BEAN looks into the applesauce barrel and finds the mouse. Not satisfied until he has the mouse, BEAN grabs a food bag, puts his hand in it, reaches into the applesauce barrel and tries to find the mouse, no luck. Pulls his hand out and it's covered with applesauce (just on the part covered by the bag.)

BEAN looks into the barrel and by his actions we learn that the mouse is alive and taunting BEAN. BEAN makes faces and taunts back.

BEAN absent-mindedly discards the applesauce-covered bag on to the floor. BEAN has an idea to lure the mouse out. BEAN grabs some cheddar crackers from one bin (eats a few, drops a lot on the floor, but leaves one for the lure) then grabs a licorice whip from another bin. BEAN ties the licorice whip around the cheddar cracker then dangles it inside the applesauce barrel.

The mouse and BEAN begin a tug-of-war.

While struggling to hold on to the lure, CUSTOMER2 carefully walks up to BEAN (the floor is a mess).

CUSTOMER2

Sir, could you tell me where I can find the laundry soap?

BEAN, struggling with the mouse, tries to help CUSTOMER2 by holding up his free hand with the number ‘3’.

CUSTOMER2

Aisle three? I was just there and couldn’t find it. Could you show me where?

BEAN holds up the number three again.

CUSTOMER2

But I couldn’t find t there.

BEAN is becoming impatient and frustrated with her. BEAN holds up four fingers.

CUSTOMER2

I think not, that’s the refrigerated aisle.

BEAN waves CUSTOMER2 away but she won’t leave.

CUSTOMER2

Sir, you are being very rude.

BEAN grabs a handful of food off the floor and throws it at her.

CUSTOMER2

I’ll see your manager about this!

CUSTOMER2 storms away. BEAN mocks her.

BEAN returns to his battle with the mouse when he's pulled into the barrel up to his shoulder. BEAN pulls with all his might when he loses the lure and is violently flung away from barrel. BEAN’s arm covered in applesauce and he no longer has the lure.

BEAN gets up, slipping on the applesauced floor, and carefully looks into the barrel. He cannot see the mouse in there. BEAN is smug, he’s defeated the mouse. But what of the mouse? BEAN looks again into the barrel and cannot find it. BEAN becomes concerned for the health and safety of the mouse. BEAN whistles into the barrel. There is no answer. BEAN reaches in and fishes for the mouse. BEAN retrieves the mouse and holds it up by the tail. There is no movement. Oh no, did it die?

BEAN tries to revive mouse by giving it CPR. As BEAN is trying to resuscitate the mouse, CUSTOMER3 approaches, is appalled at what is happening then runs off.

BEAN resuscitates mouse, picks it up close to his face, smiling, cooing to the mouse as he pets it with free hand.

CUSTOMER3

(pointing at BEAN)

There! That's him!

BEAN, proud of himself for resuscitating the mouse, displays the resuscitated mouse (using finger to raise and lower mouse's head to demonstrate life) to CUSTOMER and HEALTH INSPECTOR.

HEALTH INSPECTOR puts up a sign notifying public that the health code has been violated.

SUPERVISOR (with BILLY close behind him) returns holding onto the gummy bears and BEAN’s gummy bear wad he spit up earlier. SUPERVISOR places the wad of gummy bears into BEAN’s hand, cusses him out about the messy bulk foods area.

SUPERVISOR

BEAN! What is the meaning of this?

SUPERVISOR slips and falls.

BILLY

What did you do? No, shut up, I don’t want to hear it. Stay.

HEALTH INSPECTOR hands SUPERVISOR a copy of the health code violation.

HEALTH INSPECTOR

Your store has failed the health code. You must shut down your store until all violations have been rectified. Good day!

HEALTH INSPECTOR leaves.

SUPERVISOR and BILLY read the health code violation in exaggerated bewilderment.

BEAN looks at the mouse and the health code violation. “Better you than me.” BEAN places the mouse in BILLY’s pocket.

SUPERVISOR and BILLY finish reading health code violation.

SUPERVIOR

A mouse? BEAN, I told you to clean up this area, now we have mice!

BEAN mimes that it wasn’t him.

BILLY begins to notice something moving around in his trousers.

BEAN points at BILLY, mimicking a child playing with small animals.

SUPERVISOR

My son knows enough not to bring his pets into the store, BEAN.

BEAN and SUPERVISOR look at BILLY who is beginning to dance and make noise, a hand in his pocket.

BILLY pulls out a mouse from his pocket.

SUPERVISOR

Son! What did I tell you about bringing in your pets to work? Now we have to close the store!

BILLY

It isn’t mine!

SUPERVISOR leads BILLY by the ear out of the store, berating him.

BEAN waves goodbye to the mouse.

FADE OUT.