Black and Blue
Gnus News Episode 1 2009
by Brett M B
© 2009
FADE IN to Black and Blue Gnus
news set
ANNOUNCER
O.S.
And now, from the
Serengeti, its the Black and Blue Gnus! With your anchors, Tornado and Jasmine!
Close in on Jasmine
Story: Maple Story
Inset: Maple Story
JASMINE
A woman in Japan has
been brought up on murder charges for killing her virtual husband. In the MMORP
“Maple Story”, when the wife learned of her on-line-husband's sudden divorce
from her, she became so enraged she killed her virtual husband.
Inset: World of Warcraft
JASMINE
cont'd.
News of this has sent
players in the World of Warcraft scrambling for lawyers in anticipation of
their prosecution for alleged multiple homicides, assault, battery, use of
deadly weapons, bribery, extortion, and other crimes.
Inset: Leeches carrying suitcases
as a character class for WoW.
JASMINE
cont'd.
This case has created
the need for a new lawyer class of character. The new character class
will officially be called “Leech-Jurisprudence.”
Inset: Picture of a WoW notorious
character “Kron”.
JASMINE
cont'd.
The top players,
including, Kron, “Killer of All Who Oppose Me”, are forgoing legal counsel and
have invited any prosecutor into their online world to settle the scores there,
where any alleged “crimes” would have been committed.
Story: Python Kills Owner
Inset:
“Animal Attacks”
Sound:
<elephant roar>
Inset: Rabbit walking pet python
JASMINE
An owner of a pet
python died recently after his pet python killed and ate him. Incidences such
as this are increasing at an alarming rate.
Authorities are calling for a
moratorium for all python and boa owners meet a height/weight restriction nor
can owners be rats, rabbits, or mice.
Story: Longest Dreadlocks
Record
Inset: Woman record-holder with
longest dreadlocks
JASMINE
A Florida woman has
set a new world record for world's longest dreadlocks. It's taken Asha 20 years
to grow her dreads to 9 feet, and was looking to finally cut her hair.
Inset: Record-holder holding
dreadlocks, mice photoshopped into the photo
JASMINE
cont’d
That haircut was put
on hold when Asha woke up one morning and found a new mother mouse living in
her hair. Because the mice of are a very rare and endangered species, the World
Wildlife Federation has filed a suit in court to ban Asha from ever
cutting her dreadlocks, declaring them a fragile endangered wildlife habitat.
Story: Marijuana at Taco
Bell
Inset: - Taco Bell take-out bag with pic of marijuana
leaf.
JASMINE
A sign of the
changing times, in Colorado it appears that one can receive pot with their fast
food order. A couple in Lakewood discovered a free bag of pot with their order
of burritos. Though the couple didn't order a happy meal, they were very
pleased to receive one. Once the store manager learned of this, he immediately
fired the employee. If anyone has heard of where this former employee is now
working, hundreds of teenagers around the city would love to know.
Story:
Bank robbery getaway vehicle is a limousine
Inset: Limousine
JASMINE
A sign of the hard
times we are in. A bank in Irving Texas was robbed by a man who later fled in a
limo as his getaway vehicle.
Inset: Closeup of the limousine
license plate (“B GATES” Washington)
JASMINE
cont'd
If anyone has any
leads, they are encouraged to call the Irving police department.
Story: Funeral home foreclosed
Inset: “Foreclosed” sign on
business doors
JASMINE
22 people were
evicted from their temporary residence in Pontiac Michigan. After failing to
pay the mortgage, the owner of the funeral home could no longer avoid
foreclosure.
Inset: Dumpster filled with
coffins
JASMNE
cont'd
The “residents” were
moved into a new, temporary lodgings behind the crematorium.
Pan Out to
news set
JASMINE
And now Tornado with
whatever's pissing him off this time.
Story:
You's a big jerk
Close in
on Tornado
Inset:
“You's a BIG JERK!”
TORNADO
Thank you, Jasmine.
Nothing pisses me off more that when people take advantage of other good,
hardworking people!
Inset:
Volunteers of America “Snow Buddies” program
TORNADO
Here is Volunteers of
America's promo for their Snow Buddies program. This program coordinates
people to help their neighbors keep their walks and driveways clear of snow.
Take a good look at this picture. I'm sure the lady in this promo is very
sweet, but does she really need volunteers to clear her driveway? She has a
dog, a house (paid off, I’m sure) and two, two cars in the garage. She's
gotta be loaded, and even if she isn't, does a little old lady really need two
cars? She could sell one and pay for snow removal for many years to come. She
should let the volunteers help someone who really needs the assistance and pay
for the snow removal herself.
Inset: Zoom in on old lady in Snow
Buddies promo.
TORNADO
cont'd
And could someone go
over to her and tell her she's shoveling a driveway that's already been cleared
of snow?
Inset: Old woman crawling into a
dog house
TORNADO
cont'd
Gertrude
Merriweather, you are in my doghouse!
Sound: <woof, woof>
Pan out to news set
TORNADO
cont'd
Jasmine!
JASMINE
Thank you, Tornado.
Story: Hero dog
Close in on Jasmine
Inset: Dog being held by a
fireman, microphone in close
JASMINE
On the lighter side
of the news, a terrier mix breed of dog is being hailed as a national hero
after it was learned that he saved four kittens from a house fire. If not for
his ability to navigate through all that blinding smoke, the kittens would
surely have perished.
INTERVIEWER
O.S.
That was a very brave
thing you did saving those kittens from that fire!
DOG
They were cats?
Pan out to news set
JASMINE
Thank you, everyone.
On behalf of Tornado and me, thank all of you for tuning in. Look for more
installments of the Black and Blue Gnus here at the Black and Blue Gnus news
desk.
FADE
OUT
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